Families Capable Of Thriving

A story needing to be told emphasizing how capable a family can be when working through the challenges when faced with a family member living with mental health challenges and the family overwhelmed of how to shift from problem focused to growth focused. The mom asked the psychiatrist what resource was there for the family, the answer was he didn’t know of any.  What choices did the family have? The only one was to figure it out through trial and error. The family member was in third year nursing. Mom checked with the university to see if she had completed the required courses. She connected with a professor at the university who stated she had completed the courses for the year. Mom was emotionally stressed about how to support their family member; told the professor their family member was in the hospital diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Immediately, she said talk to a lady at CMHA who was familiar with our challenge. Thanked her, hung up the phone and called immediately. After 15 minutes of sharing their situation, she said “YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!! The mom lost it saying – you have got to be kidding. The lady said, “If you don’t you will go down with her”. Stunned with what was said, hung up. The next day, the lady from CMHA called the mom to see how she was doing. The mom said, “it was hard to hear what she needed to do but thought about it realizing it was what she had to do. She would not be any help if she didn’t take time for herself while supporting the family member. The mom asked if she could talk to the 3 siblings, boyfriend and her husband who would be returning from working in Northern Alberta in 10 days. She said absolutely! Because she herself, was living with mental health, she would also talk to her daughter. The gift of her lived experience was the gift that kept on giving help to the family to manage the immediate ups and downs.

The family, one day at a time over a period of 7 years worked through multiple trials and errors. The mom learned to listen to her family member such as the day the family member said “mom, you don’t listen and by the way quit telling me what to do”. The mom said “I thought I was listening”. No, she was jumping in trying to fix the situation her family member was sharing which had her family member feeling like she was the problem. What her family member wanted was to feel heard and understood. This was the beginning of change of how to have a better relationship with her family member. Fast forward to the day when CMHA asked the mom, what are you doing that has the family member doing well and the family working together?

The point of the story is this:

Each family member used their strengths of how to support their family member such as:

One Sister snuck her pup in her coat to visit her sister in the hospital

Another sister, was helpful by visiting her in the hospital

Her brother visiting with her stating she wanted to talk to a teacher who would help her talk through her struggles

Her dad was the one who could give the best hugs!!

Her boyfriend, who participated fully in supporting her and married her

Mom, due her to taking 4 years of coaching, learned the skills of how to have a stronger relationship with her instead of battling each other

Our Family started this journey that showed us we had strengths within us to manage the challenges as they appeared. This prepared us to work as a team to be there for each other regardless of the challenges we face. As a mom struggling to find her life purpose, found her purpose in life coaching families through a strength-based approach equipping families with the tools to thrive not just in coping with problems but in achieving personal, family and community success.   

This is what we learned through this journey that started in 1995 was:

1.      Family plays a vital role in supporting a family member

2.      Family has strengths with the potential to function as a united team with each member contributing to healing

3.      Family equipped with practical, actionable tools to help them to tackle the challenges eg: LUV – listen, understand, validate

4.      Shifted from problem focused to growth focus of working on how we approached situations

5.      Build on existing capabilities using the strength-based approach involving what family members can do individually to support family member.

6.      We recognized we had the capabilities within us – we worked from the inside out instead of the traditional way of working from the outside in

7.      Family confident in facing the challenges using the tools that worked and letting go what did not work such as fixing

8.      Listened to those who have lived through the challenges and learned from their experiences-eg Lady who said “take care of yourself”

9.      Asking the family member what is working to support her and what is not working

10.  Validated family  – “mom, it feels good with the family walking beside me instead of pointing the finger at me being the problem”

This why I do what I do – equipping families with the tools for them to practice weekly and share their experiences with other group members.

Benefits for the Families are:

·         Don’t feel alone with their challenges

·         Group building a bond throughout the 10-weeks

·         Trusting the process to be vulnerable sharing their challenges

·         Practicing the tools weekly, families recognize their relationships are improving

·         After 10- weeks, Self- Directed Peer Support available for drop in as needed